Most of us are familiar with the game “Gossip”, where someone in a circle starts by whispering a statement into the ear of the person next to them. That person in turn whispers to the next person and so on, until the last person repeats the statement at the end. The final sentence typically ends up becoming quite a bit off from what was originally said – and is most often comical in its final version.

No wonder real life mimics that game more often then we’d like. And at a time when we communicate more through texts and emails than verbal conversation, the opportunity to be misunderstood increases dramatically when we don’t hear the tone of delivery or see the body language accompanying the message.

We have two daughters whom we have raised to be incredibly independent and confident. Both now have very young children, and they are following in the tradition of our family heritage in that they like to share their family experiences. I LOVE being able to be a fly on the wall since they do not live close enough for us to see them as often as I’d like, and it is fun to send comments back to their texts sharing reactions to their stories, pictures and videos.

That is where the title above comes into play.

Our precious granddaughter has just started kindergarten, and my daughter and her husband have found the perfect school for her. They are very excited because they had searched intently for a place that is in alignment with how they want her to continue to develop in character.

My daughter mentioned that our granddaughter had come home with a grade of 83 for reading and how that precious child was feeling disappointed in not scoring higher. My daughter and son-in-law immediately explained to her that she needed to know that the grade was not what was important. It was the understanding of knowing how hard she was trying. Great advice, guys!

I nonchalantly mentioned that I was surprised that they were giving out grades to kindergarteners since in the “old days”, it was either “satisfactory” or “needs improvement”.

My daughter responded with immediate confidence that they were on top of it and I needed to trust them. They were not going to let anxiety become a part of life for their 5 year old.

I quickly texted back that I had no doubt of that and did my best to assure her that she truly had my unwavering trust and support. In playing that conversation back in my mind, I recognized that just a few different words might have changed the tone entirely. I had responded to what my daughter said without fully hearing what she was telling me.

She wasn’t really asking what I thought about kindergarten grades. She was sharing a parenting moment she felt good about. She and her husband recognized an opportunity for anxiety to creep in and had handled it in a way that reassured their daughter’s confidence beautifully.

That’s the part that I should have responded to first.

How I Would Say It

“I love how you two handled that. Letting her know that trying her best matters more that the number on the paper is exactly what she needed to hear. And I’m so glad you’ve found a school you feel so good about. I know how much thought you put into finding the right place for her.”

Notice what I didn’t mention? Kindergarten grades.

Being a parent is amazingly challenging, but being a grandparent adds another level in what you say and how you say it. I was the same way with comments made about my kids, and I get it from a Mama Bear’s perspective.

I love getting to be a fly on their wall. Going forward, I’ll try a little harder not to give them a reason to reach for the fly swatter.